Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
