Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
