Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
