he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
