hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
