Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
