i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
