I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
