i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
