My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
