Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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