The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
