I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Operation Purity has been aborted
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
