Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
