i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
