hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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