Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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