just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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