don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
