Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize