I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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