i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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