Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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