giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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