I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
