I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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