Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
