i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
