There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
