God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize