the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
