I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
