Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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