i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize