i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
