Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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