Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
