So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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