did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
