nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
