your room smells of hookers.
And success
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
