The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
