is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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