it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
