a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
