Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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