They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
