Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
