I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
