I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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