I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
