I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
