saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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