Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
