i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
