god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize