How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
