Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
