Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
