i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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