Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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